I don’t want to be happy

I want to be overjoyed
Elated 
I want to marvel in complete wonder at the way the light filters through my daughter’s eyes. 
I want to feel my heart beat faster when the last golden light streams through the fog as I drive up over the hill. 

I want to feel my heart compressing in on itself in my chest when it breaks. 
I want to cry enough tears to replenish the rivers.
I want to feel so heavy, I cannot stand, but stand anyways

I want to mourn and wail
loudly and softly
for the world
for all of the things it hurts to carry

I want to love so deeply that separation physically hurts. 
I want to never be the same again.
lost forever, but new and whole

I want to be so far away that I long for home.
I want to feel such intense boredom that I retreat into my own mind and find brilliance there
restless and rested
I want to count my son’s eyelashes as I study the curves of his angelic face.

I want this moment. Pure. Unrushed. Untarnished. 

I don’t want to be happy. 

I want it all.

Cass